Don’t we all have that one friend that visits but never quite knows when it’s time to go?
They just sit there, depriving you of precious personal moments you should be having alone or the time you should be spending on other chores.
It gets frustrating when these unwanted guests – oh yes, that’s exactly what they are at that particular time – completely ignore all the subtle hints and body language given. And what makes it even worse is that you can’t just get up and throw them out because of the ties shared.
Well, when I said you can’t just get up and throw them out, that’s me speaking for myself because some people may not be that nice. And that can be evident from the comment section of this post I ran into on Facebook.
The post simply asked: “Ways to tell a visitor it’s time to go home”, and you won’t believe the various hilarious suggestions that followed in the comment section.
I divided the commenters into three categories, mainly, the sarcastic ones, the subtle, tactful ones, and the crude, blunt ones.
The sarcastic host
They say sarcasm is the language of social media. But, boy, some folks are so fluent at it that it could easily pass as their mother tongue. The way they tend to carefully manipulate their words, you wouldn’t even know they are insulting you!
Imagine a woman telling another woman who has overstayed her welcome, “Ha, you’re very lucky o. Your husband is so nice he lets you stay out this long – even till this late in the night? Wow! Such a nice man!”
Anyone reading this literally might think it a harmless compliment. But, trust me, that statement, coupled with the right tone and gesture in that context, is a banger! And any visitor who still doesn’t get that as a cue to leave is either a dunce or owes rent.
Someone else suggested asking them a simple question like, “What time did you say they close the gate to your street again?”
Or, “Are you with your house key? Before they will lock you outside.”
Or, you could borrow a leaf from Facebook user, Diamond Mero’s book of sarcasm and simply say, “Omo, time dey run oh!” Surely, even the devil would shamefully pack his bag and leave after that.
The sarcasm award of the day, however, goes to Mosunmola Ayoola Abiola for this simple but brutal suggestion: “This time yesterday, we don sleep.” Never seen six words pack so much meaning!
Honorable mention also goes to Tara Aj for her hilarious suggestion: “My Covid test result just returned positive.”
The tactful host
While some people are so fluent in sarcasm, others are not that blessed; so, they get creative with tricks and ploys geared at getting rid of their unwanted guest. Listen and learn in case you find yourself in a similar situation next time.
So, the majority of the comments were filled with suggestions about faking a phone call and telling your imaginary caller that you’ll be with them in a few minutes. Surely, your guest-turned-prison warder would get the cue and should release you from your house arrest.
Emmanuel Achomba had me reeling with laughter when he posted: ‘Just fake a call like: Hello, please, I will be with you in a moment. I told you I have a visitor but we are almost done.”
A good number of the comments were also filled with people who suggested that yawning continuously or dozing right in front of your guest is the way to go.
Olu Emman commented, “Doze off while the visitor is talking. But ain’t that a little rude though?”
If any of these options fail to yield results, then maybe Jimoh Farouq’s approach would be your best bet. He said…wait for it…wait for it… ”Just bring out insecticide and place it on the table!”
The rude, crude host
Okay, some people are just plain rude and so not nice. You don’t ever want to cross their path or get them mad, because they just don’t know how to mask their words with sarcasm or euphemism; they simply go all Kung Fu on you.
A good example is an idea in the comment section that implies sneaking to your power box and turning off the entire electricity in the house to make the house temperature too hot for your guest.
This would also make your guest uncomfortable as the television would automatically go off, making the house boring.
Someone posted a comment: “Change over the light and close the door, then go to sleep.”
Another person named Rasak Olalekan said, “Start putting all the flat’s lights out, including your sitting room light and instruct people in the house like kids to go to bed. Also, tell madam to go and lay your bed…” Good Lord! Who does that?
Another person, Ope Oyewola, suggested you simply tell them, “I want to go and buy tomatoes and I might come back tomorrow evening.” As rude as this might sound, I still couldn’t help laughing hard.
Others suggested that the best way to force them out is to simply get a broom and start sweeping while they are right there, concentrating on the angle where they are seated. Sheer mischief!
The crudest I read, however, was from those who believed that simply locking up the windows and spraying otapiapia or insecticide is the best way to get them to leave and you yourself would be forced to go out anyways.